Relationships at WomanTalkLive
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Relationship Recharge: Time – A Critical Factor in Relationship Survival
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Lori and Bob Hollander“If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement.” - Bill Doherty
Time is the only resource that we all have equally – 24 hours a day; 7 days a week; 365 days a year. And yet it is the resource most people feel they have the least control over. With the demands of work, children, parents, friends and community, time for our relationships gets put on the back burner.
We would never consider not spending time on our jobs or with our kids. If we failed to make our careers a priority we wouldn’t advance. If we failed to make our kids a priority they wouldn’t succeed. Yet we don’t recognize that the same is true with our partnerships. It is taken for granted that we can postpone spending time with each other. This grave mistake can lead couples to gradually and unconsciously drift apart.
When clients tell us they are not feeling connected one of the first questions we ask is, “How much time do you spend together?” More often than not we hear:
- By the time we get home from work, make dinner and put the kids to bed, we have no time.
- The kids play sports so we are out 4 nights a week and on weekends.
- Date nights fell by the wayside –we have too much to do and it’s too expensive.
Then we ask, “When was the last time the two of you went away together?”
- Just the two of us? Are you kidding?
- It’s been years.
- Not since the kids were born.
The million dollar question is: “Where do we get the time?” This is the tricky part and the answer is different for each couple. We ask our couples to go back to the drawing board remembering they have 24 hours a day and that it is a life or death matter for their relationship to figure it out.
Here are some tips that may help:
1) Create daily routines – plan at least 15-30 minutes/day in the morning, evening or lunchtime communicating about your day with each other.
2) Set up a weekly date without the kids – it doesn’t have to be expensive; set up a babysitting swap with friends; go out for coffee and dessert instead of a fancy dinner.
3) Plan time to go away together – even for just one night. When our kids were young, we would go away for just one night, two or three times a year. More frequent, short trips were more rejuvenating, less expensive, and less guilt inducing than one long vacation once a year.
We would love to hear your tips and ideas for finding time in your relationship on our Facebook page.
Sign up for our monthly eNewsletter, Radical Relationships, to receive more articles from us about the Truth about Relationships.
To your relationship,
Lori & Bob Hollander
Relationships Work***
“I want to improve our relationship, but I don’t know where to start.” Assessing where you and your partner are right now orients you so that you can make sure you’re driving in the right direction and won’t get lost or go down the wrong street. We want you to find your Personal Starting Point as the first step on your journey to extraordinary.
This 48-question eWorkbook is designed specifically to help you map your journey to extraordinary. How Close are You to Extraordinary? Find Your Personal Starting Point on the Journey to a Lifetime of Love will help you clearly see where you and your partner are at this moment – and where you need to work, actively and consciously, to move your relationship forward.
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Relationship Recharge: Grow Your Relationship Using Empathy
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Lori and Bob Hollander“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” Meryl Streep
Kate: You just don’t “get it!”
Larry: I do get it. I can repeat back every word you said.
Kate: It’s not just about the words. It’s about the meaning, the feeling behind the words. It’s about you imagining what it would be like to walk in my shoes.
Ever have this conversation? Kate is looking to Larry for empathy. Some people come by it more naturally than others. But it is a skill that can be learned.
Watch this video to hear us explain the meaning of empathy and why it is the most important communication skill a couple can have. And learn the 3 steps to make sure you and your partner are using empathy to support each other.
If you would like specific suggestions on communication with your partner, email us at LHollander@RelationshipsWork.com.
We are here to support you in your personal journey toward extraordinary.
Here’s to your relationship,
Lori & Bob Hollander
Relationships Work***
Don’t wait. Start powering up communication in your relationship now. We recommend:
Did you know that better communication is the key to solving almost any relationship issue?
Stop the struggle! Download How Connected IS Your Communication? – Our FREE 15 page eWorkbook and gift to you – 21 questions that will uncover your communication strengths and the areas where you and your partner need to work. This is a great place to start.A few simple communications skills can make all the difference.
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Relationship Recharge: Power Up Communication by Finding “The Lost Conversation” – Part II
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Lori and Bob Hollander“The Lost Conversation” is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.”
Elements of The Lost Conversation:
Every time we have one conversation, we are actually having three. In other words, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:
1) The Spoken Conversation – the exchange of words
2) The Hidden Conversation – the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface
3) The Unconscious Conversation – the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggage
In this paradigm, there is no right and wrong because at this level, both partner’s perceptions are always “right.” The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person’s feelings.
Last week we described Olivia’s and Frank’s most recent conflict about money in our Couple to Couple Coaching session. And we identified The Hidden Conversation, the unspoken dialogue that we “heard” knowing their backgrounds. Today we are diving deeper into The Unconscious Conversation, the conversation you may not be aware of, but that significantly affects your communication and your relationship.
The culmination of all our childhood experiences, good and bad, is the lens through which all communication and relationships are filtered. Our emotional baggage affects how we see the world, how we interpret what our partner says and does, and our feelings about significant issues in our lives, such as money.
The Three Conversations between Olivia and Frank
The Spoken Conversation was as follows:
Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children’s Hospital! I don’t understand how he could do that; and without asking me! That’s more than we can afford.
Frank: You’re so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you’d think we were starving.
Here is The Hidden Conversation that we shared with Olivia and Frank last week:
Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don’t ever want to be in that situation again.
Frank: Why doesn’t she trust me? We have been married for 9 years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children’s Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there that saved his life.
After we explored their childhood baggage we were able to help them locate The Unconscious Conversation:
Olivia: My father died when I was 12 years old and left my mom to raise me and my brother. Mom worked two jobs to support us and struggled to make ends meet. It scares me to make a big donation since I may need that money if anything ever happened to you.
Frank: Growing up in a middle class family, my father taught us that no matter what our income was, there were always people worse off than us. Giving to others was a strong family value. I especially feel strongly about donating to the hospital that saved my nephew’s life.
Finding the Lost Conversation
After sharing The Hidden Conversation and The Unconscious Conversation with this couple, they found “The Lost Conversation.” Having gained a much deeper understanding of the reasons and motives for their feelings Olivia was able to recognize that Frank was donating out of a sense of strong family values and wasn’t being frivolous with their money. Frank was able to understand that Olivia’s feelings weren’t a reflection of her trust in him or her charitableness, but that she was anxious about money.
In Couple to Couple Coaching, Olivia and Frank learned that conflicts were much deeper than they had imagined. We encouraged them to “find the lost conversation” every time they got stuck in an argument. Out of respect for each other’s needs they decided:
- Frank would increase his life insurance to decrease Olivia’s anxiety.
- Olivia and Frank would make yearly donations but would make these decisions as a team.
- Olivia and Frank would review their financial position quarterly.
We would love to hear your thoughts about “Money and Communication” on our Facebook page.
Here’s to your relationship,
Lori & Bob Hollander
Relationships Work***
Don’t wait. Start powering up communication in your relationship now. We recommend:How Connected IS Your Communication? – Our FREE 15 page eWorkbook and gift to you – 21 questions that will uncover your communication strengths and the areas where you and your partner need to work. This is a great place to start. -
Relationship Recharge: Power Up Communication by Finding The Lost Conversation – Part I
Thursday, April 26, 2012Lori and Bob Hollander
The Lost Conversation” is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.
One plus one equals three when it comes to conversation. That is, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:
1) The Spoken Conversation – the exchange of words
2) The Hidden Conversation – the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface
3) The Unconscious Conversation – the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggage
Here, right and wrong have no place, because at this level, both partner’s perceptions are always “right.” The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person’s feelings.
In a Couple to Couple Coaching session with us, Olivia and Frank describe their most recent conflict about money -
Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children’s Hospital! I don’t understand how he could do that; and without asking me! That’s more than we can afford.
Frank: You’re so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you’d think we were starving.
Who’s right – Olivia or Frank? The answer is they are both right from their perspectives. Their lack of communication and curiosity about each other’s point of view is the roadblock here.
This is The Hidden Conversation that we shared with Olivia and Frank, i.e. the unspoken dialogue that we “heard” knowing their backgrounds.
Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don’t ever want to be in that situation again.
Frank: Why doesn’t she trust me? We have been married for 9 years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children’s Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there that saved his life.
Once we shared The Hidden Conversation with this couple, they were better able to have an open and empathetic dialogue about this issue and for the first time listened to each other’s point of view, instead of arguing and getting stuck in their positions.
Next week, we will describe the third conversation, The Unconscious Conversation and share how they worked it through.
We would love to hear your thoughts about “Money and Communication” on our Facebook page.
Here’s to your relationship,
Lori & Bob Hollander
Relationships Work***
Don’t wait. Start powering up communication in your relationship now. We recommend:
Relationship Roadblocks: Getting Your Partner to Work with You & Making Changes Last - audio program guiding you through the 5 steps to motivating your partner to work with you and the keys to making changes last.
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Relationship Recharge: How to Find Your Assertive Voice
Thursday, April 19, 2012Lori and Bob Hollander
“To know oneself, one should assert oneself.” Albert Camus
Dana arrives home from her once a month girls’ night out at 11pm. Rod promised her he would have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up by the time she got home. She walks in to find the kids in the family room and a stack of dishes in the sink.
Dana: “You promised the kids would be in bed and the kitchen would be clean! You never keep your word. I’m sick and tired of being the only responsible one around here.”
Rod: “The kids and I wanted to watch the end of the movie. What’s the big deal?”
Dana screams: “You just don’t get it!” as she walks upstairs and slams the door.
Rod yells upstairs, “You are so rigid I can’t stand it. It always has to be your way. You are so controlling.”
Sound familiar? Often times, when we speak in anger our communication is aggressive. We:
- Start sentences with “You”
- Blame and attack the other
- Exaggerate using the words never and always
Our partner may mirror our style and give us a defensive and aggressive response back. He:
- Starts sentences with “You”
- Counter-blames and attackes
- Provides facts to disprove our exaggeration
- Invalidates our feelings
Consequently, the conversation either escalates and a fight ensues or the couple retreats and withdraws. Either way nothing gets resolved.
If Dana used an assertive style here’s how the conversation would go:
Dana: Rod, when you promise me you will have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up, and don’t keep that promise, it makes me feel angry. I come home expecting to be able to relax but instead the kids want me to put them to bed and the place is a mess. It feels stressful, like I can’t count on you.
Rod: Sorry honey, I know it means a lot to you to walk in and feel like everything’s been done. I will do a better job next time.
Speaking assertively means we:
- Start sentences with” I” to indicate that we “own” the feeling
- Describe the bothersome behavior
- Identify, not judge, the other person’s actions
- Express how the action makes us feel and what affect it has on us
- Ask for what we need
Using assertive messages usually begets a more humble, non-defensive and agreeable response from our partner. He takes responsibility for his behavior, acknowledges our feelings and works on problem solving.
Here are the steps to creating an assertive statement:
1) Identify the behavior
When …
- I’m criticized
- I’m not feeling heard
- the towels are left on the floor
2) Describe your emotion or what it makes you think
I feel…
- unappreciated
- worried
- hurt
- frustrated
- sad
I think…
- I’m no good
- I’m not worth listening to
- I’m not important
3) State the affect/impact it has on you
Because …
- We are not connecting
- I am not getting you to understand
- I have to clean it up
4) Ask for what you need
I need to….
I would like….
It would mean a lot to me if…
I’d appreciate it if…
It would make me so happy if…
Learning to communicate assertively takes time. It may be awkward at first but with consciousness and practice, it can become your habitual style. Assertiveness can vastly improve your communication with your partner. Try it and see what a difference it makes!
We would love to hear your thoughts about “Assertiveness” on our Facebook page.
Here’s to your relationship,
Lori & Bob Hollander
Relationships Work***
Don’t wait. Start powering up communication in your relationship now. We recommend:
Breakthrough! The Communication Skills Every Couple Needs– audio program walking you through the most vital communication skills and the 5 Step Approach for Communication Survival.
Be sure to check out all of our other resources to build your “Communication“