Relationship Recharge: Keep the Conversation Going
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Lori and Bob Hollander
“Marriage is one long conversation checkered with disputes.”
- Robert Louis Stevenson
Why is communication, the lifeblood of relationships, so difficult? A big part of the answer is that we interpret messages through filters such as our gender, life experience, beliefs, mood, values, knowledge and culture. We make assumptions about what our partner is saying as their words are sifted through our mind. Our ability to listen, be empathic and have insight also impacts how well we communicate. To deeply communicate and understand each other, a couple has to undergo a process of clarifying their messages again and again.
What we notice in practice is that when couples get frustrated they either give up and sweep the issue under the rug or escalate and move into anger and blame. Neither of these responses leads to positive resolution. Healthy communication, especially around a conflict or a sensitive issue, takes patience and perseverance. We recommend that couples make a commitment to keep the conversation going until each partner feels heard and understood, even if you don’t agree. Otherwise the lingering feelings that are unspoken or not validated can lead to resentment and distance.
When communication is difficult we suggest couples intentionally slow down the conversation and focus on one person at a time. When the first partner speaks about his/her authentic feelings, the other partner should not respond until he/she understands the first partner’s point of view so well that they can “make the other’s case.” Then they switch and partner two shares his/her thoughts and feelings until they are truly clear. When both people understand, empathize and validate each other’s point of view, then and only then are you effectively communicating.
We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about “keeping the conversation going” on our Facebook page.
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To your relationship,
Lori and Bob Hollander
Relationships Work
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