On My Mind: Waking Up to What We Have

Much of my life I spent in the autopilot mode. It’s the way I got things done and the way I avoided facing anything I wasn’t excited about facing. Working too much, not sleeping enough, not playing enough, drinking too much, smoking too much, partying too hard, not exercising enough, and not taking any quality down time. That was the life that seemed “normal” to me. It was the life I created.

Over the past twenty years or so, that life gradually changed – after all, how long can you keep that up? I started making space and time to make some serious changes in my life. What seemed so important earlier in my life became just a memory and, in many cases, memories I would like to forget. Did I really do that? Did I really act that way? Some of it feels almost shameful to me now, but I won’t go there either since I’ve learned so much from researcher and author, Dr. Brene Brown about that topic of “shame.”

With all of the changes I’ve been through and am still going through, I’ve been thinking about the way Bob and I have evolved over these past years and how we’ve made it to this new place. When we got married, I was 43 and he was 52, and without any kids for either of us, we had been on our own for quite a while. Very independent and extremely set in our own ways.

For the first three years, there was no bending for either of us. We knew what served our individual selves best – and that often meant not giving in and changing ourselves or our routines. Needless to say, that didn’t work too well. In fact, it only helped us create more tension as the years passed until we almost felt like roommates barely tolerating one another. Sounds delightful, huh?

So, why did we stay together? Lots of reasons, the first one being we made a choice. That didn’t clear things up immediately, but we began realizing what we were doing to ourselves, to each other and to our relationship. We also were old enough to know that there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship. We chose each other – what were those qualities we so loved when we first got together? Was there a way we could see them again?

The answer was “yes, most definitely.” So we both bent, stretched and reached out to each other. And that’s when the magic started happening. That’s when we started living together and focusing on a common goal. That’s when we started appreciating each other again. And, about that time – around five or six years ago, is when we started looking to decide where we wanted to live when we grew up.

On the Saturday that the movers came to pack things up… it was such a long, tiring day. That night, we were both in the bathroom getting ready for bed knowing that moving day was ahead of us on Sunday. From out of nowhere, Bob started telling me how much he appreciated me, how much he loved me, how easy I was to get along with, how I had helped him change for the better and what a difference I had made in his life. He said I was the most positive person he knew and that positivity had changed how he looked at life, too. He also thanked me for wanting to move to Vermont – because he loves it so.  I almost fell off my stool. Unbelievably touched and unbelievably grateful to have this man in my life. Yep, he can still be a royal pain in the butt, but I bet I can be, too.

And now, here we are starting a new life with a whole different attitude. It would have been so easy to walk away during those first many years. It would have been easy to let the resentment grow and chalk things up to just another bad choice and another failed relationship. But, something deep down made us choose a different outcome. And, it is worth it. It brings to mind the beautiful Robert Browning quote:

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made. Our times are in his hand who saith, ‘A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!”

And, that’s what we’re doing.

As always, would love to know about your own evolving that includes a relationship or not, your wake-up call or whatever caused you to choose differently.