Relationship Recharge: How to Stop Having Habitual Arguments

Lori & Bob Hollander

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

Is it ground hog’s day in your relationship? Do you find yourself having the same conflict with your partner over and over? For most of us, the answer is yes.

The chronic arguments in relationships are often about the minor habits or behaviors that our partner does (or doesn’t do) that annoy us to death. No matter how many times we have asked, it continues to happen. The arguments usually begin with, “How many times have I asked you to…”

And end with…

• Empty the dishwasher in the morning.
• Take the trash out before the can overflows.
• Wipe the crumbs off the kitchen counter.
• Put your dishes in the sink after dinner.
• Not leave your clothes around.
• Replace the roll of toilet paper when it’s used up.
• Call me if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late.
• Leave wet towels in the hamper.
• Criticize me in public.
• Not be a back seat driver.

I’m sure you could write down a list of the ones you have with your partner.

The question is how can we once and for all get our partner to stop repeating what has become so maddening to us? Here are five easy steps that will help:

1. Address the issue when the behavior is not happening. Typically we only ask our partner to change when it is happening and our request is expressed in a whiny or irritable tone. Find another time and ask your partner to discuss this issue with you so you can find a solution.
2. Describe the habit without judgment, and state how it makes you feel. Here’s one way to say it: “When you (state the specific behavior), I (state the specific impact that it has upon you). For example, “When you are more than 15 minutes late and you don’t call me, I start to worry.”
3. Respond to any invalidation of your feelings. Often partners will invalidate our feelings since they may not understand or empathize with how we feel. For example, if your partner replies, “That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t worry if I’m 15 minutes late,” respond with, “I understand you may not ‘get it’ or agree with it, but that is how I feel and I need you to respect that.”
4. Address your partner’s feelings with empathy. The other person may misinterpret your intentions, and it’s important to address that. For example, if he says, “I feel like you are controlling me when I have to call you,” respond with “I can see why you feel that way, but that’s not my intention. I am just looking for reassurance that nothing’s happened.”
5. Brainstorm solutions together. For example ask, “How can I get the reassurance I need without you feeling controlled?”

Let your mate know how much it means to you that he listened. And when he does what you have asked, give him thanks and appreciation. This will encourage him to keep doing it.

Try this and let us know how it goes for you. We would love to hear your thoughts on Facebook.

To Your Extraordinary Relationship,

Lori and Bob Hollander
Relationships Work

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For more on this topic we recommend our audio program:

Relationship Roadblocks: Getting Your Partner to Work with You & Making Changes Last

• When you and your partner agree to make changes, do those changes stick, or do you slip back into old patterns?
• What if a few simple tools and skills could change everything and help you grow the relationship you’ve always wanted?

This audio program gives you the knowledge and specific action steps you need to break through resistance and engage your partner in working on the relationship with you and help you make lasting changes. Check it out!